Saturday, August 09, 2008

Kells Says A Restraining Order Isn't A Deterrent From Cassie, Just A Minor Loophole

Hands off, she's mine!

Dear Cassie,

I wrote 4 other times but you've yet to respond. I'm guessing it must be some kinda mix up at the Post Office or something. I'm left handed, so at times my writing isn't legible. No hard feelings I'm very forgiving. But anyways, I'm not just some creep who wants to meet you. I'm a soft, shy, gentle young man with an eager desire to fulfill your needs.

I use to shop at Target just to see your face before they pulled your modeling contract. Now I visit your blog 3 times a day which you've yet to update in the past 4 months. I've even seen "Step it Up 2" 6 times. Some people downplay your acting ability, but me....I know an Oscar winning performance when I see it. Can you believe some of my friends try to convey to me that you're talentless? It's just jealously...hell I know they're wrong, I seen you on 106 & Park - your dancing wasn't pathetic it was in fact mesmerizing.

See here's the truth Cassie, no one knows you like I do. I notice the signals you send me during interviews. Sure we've yet to meet, but you know what I'm talking about. The way you constantly blink your eyes, and scratch your left ear.....it's no coincident that those same signals mean "I love you Kells" in some 3rd World Country (no research necessary). So let's speed up the process, we're not getting any younger. Give me a call at (312) 405 - xxxx. Let's get better acquainted.

P.S I've paid no attention to the Diddy rumors, I trust you.

Sincerely yours,
Steve Kells

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I've seen some ugly animals in my life but I've never seen a piglet with a monkey's face.

Final Thought: Crushes shouldn't be confused with obsession.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Kells Steals Karrine Steffans' Identity, Then Returns It The Same Day...Thus Inventing The 1st Sexually Financially Transmitted Disease (FTD)

Identity theft is a major problem in the United States. Everyday millions of people's identity are fictitiously used to make a wide variety of illegal transactions. It's almost impossible to stop identity theft but the most common way to fight back is to constantly check your credit report. By Federal Law, everyone in the United States is entitled ONE free credit report every 12 months. Obtaining a credit report is just as easy as signing up for a MySpace account....so there's no excuses people.

...This brings me to my next report. Recently 11 hackers were indicted by The Department of Justice for what is known to be the largest indentity theft ring in United States history. In all 41 million credit/debit cards were stolen. The hackers reportedly used a method called "War Driving" (Wardriving) to steal credit card information from several retailers such as Forever 21, Officer Max, Boston Market, Sports Authority - just to name a few. It's estimated that the hackers did well over $200 million in damages from TJMax's company alone.

So what exactly is War Driving? I'll explain.....everyone with a wireless connection is subject to being a victim of War Driving. War Driving can be done when hackers drive around with a laptop and search for unsecured wireless connections. Once a unsecured connection is found hackers are given access to all computers on that network by simply logging in. From there any information on the computer can be stolen within a matter of minutes by simply using a "baiting software." (sub7, etc.) In the case of the 11 hackers; they choose to drive around in mall outlets searching for retail stores until they found an unsecured connection. Once they had access, they were able to obtain EVERY credit card holder's information that shopped at the retail store that day.

In my own personal experience with wireless Internet connections I found that many people don't secure their network. It seems apartment complexes, and college campuses are the most vulnerable areas. I remember several years ago while visiting a local college campus I was able to hack into several wireless computer connections within a matter of minutes. My intention wasn't to steal information, I simply just needed an Internet connection to use momentarily. Even at this very moment - my neighbor's Internet connection is 100% unsecured. I found this out by simply searching every connection within the radius of my wireless connection. If any hacker wanted, they could simply log into my neighbor's computer and steal any information they wanted. Scary huh?

Well by now I'm sure your asking how do I protect myself from being a victim of War Driving? Easy....all you have to do is password protect your connection. A lot of people simply leave their connections open without setting up any kind of security via Internet Router. What's even more unfortunate is most Internet routers aren't password protected by default. Many generic passwords can be easily hacked so it's important to select a difficult encrypted password that not any Joe Blow can figure out. If you're sitting here asking your self is your wireless connection protected by a password, then most likely it's not. You'd definitely know if it was.

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Even in high school identity theft was a big deal. Lots of students I attended school with were doing bank schemes where they would forge false checks, or purposely overdraw their accounts by withdrawing large amounts of cash and report the transactions as fraudulent so the bank wouldn't accuse them of any wrong doings. This scheme would usually get them a minimum $3,000 - $5,000 in each occurrence. No matter how tempting it looked I never took the chance of going that route.

Only 2 years after graduating many of those same classmates were arrested by Federal Agents on numerous charges. See what many of those idiots failed to understand is the FEDs aren't going to arrest you on petty crimes. Instead their going to let you continue to build onto your criminal activity until it's to the point where you've dug yourself into a hole. This is exactly what happen to many of my classmates. Some of my classmates bought cars, some bought electronics, some were even stupid enough to forward money to even more criminal activity such as drug trafficking. By the time they were all arrested, many of them had no choice but to plead guilty because of the outstanding evidence (photos from ATMs, surveillance, etc.) against them. This was sad because of many of them had moved on with their lives by starting college, or successful getting new career opportunities. Unfortunately their past caught up with them.

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OK I'm sure most of the idiots that can't appreciate a topic on wireless Internet networks, or identity theft are looking for something more humorous, something a tad bit more idiotic. Right?! You guys are so easy to please, you remind me of my 1st childhood encounter with a Catholic Preist. Relax I'm just joking.

Call me crazy, but there's something wrong with laying on a public bathroom floor. Even if you are under the influence of drugs; some things you just don't do.

There's nothing wrong with loving your pet, just don't take it too far.

Playgirl (opposite Playbloy) announced recently that their publication will no longer be printed after January 2009. All future Playgirl publications will have to be viewed online, and no longer in the traditional setting of magazines. This is terrible news for elderly women everywhere.

This joke was removed due to the distasteful humor. Update August 9th 3AM: Bernie Mac, a Chicago native, and a comedic national legend just died. More updates to come.

Final Thought: Fast money isn't always good money. I rather go without than to live my life wondering if I'm going to jail for malicious financial schemes. Don't be tempted by the allure of con artists, it's not worth it.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Excuse Me, Could You Cover Your Gut, I'm Losing My Appetite

Now that I've been working out for a little over a year I'm starting to get Fatphobia (the act of becoming disgusted by fat asses). Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying being a little overweight is a problem. It's obesity (100 lbs over your traditional weight) that bothers me. I was sitting in my car in the parking lot of a local fast food restaurant and it was appalling how many kids under the age of 10 appeared to be obese, or how many "muffin tops" I spotted as countless women walked by. It's almost scary how comfortable people are now at days. It seems people everywhere embrace their obesity by flaunting distasteful clothes and magnifying their voluptuous ways. I guess insecurity went out the window a long time ago.

....Speaking of obesity, I have to really applaud the city of Los Angeles for recently putting a ban on all new Fast Food establishments in low income areas. I think it's important to give people better alternatives than just Burger King, McDonalds, and the ever so tasty Wendys. I hope more cities follow in the foot steps of Los Angeles and ban the over zealous antics of Corporate America while reducing the accessibility for unhealthy food establishments. Until then muffin tops and chunky ankles will become not just a trend, but an acceptable lifestyle for lazy folks everywhere.

I was having a debate recently with one of my friends. He claims sex is the same with just about anyone - coming from a males prospective. I completely disagree. I've had my share of bad experiences, and without going into detail you really learn to appreciate the more "skilled" partners out there. For example; having sex with one of my ex girlfriends was comparable to when you 1st got your drivers license. Sure you were overly excited with joy to get behind the wheel, but it eventually got old pretty quick. So old that you found new ways to avoid doing it all together. Do you get my drift?

Now that all the excitement surrounding the Sex And The City movie has finally calm down, I have to bring something to every one's attention. Is it me, or does Sarah Jessica Parker look like a horse?! I'm serious - not the type of horse you shoot after losing the Kentucky Derby due to a broken leg, but the kind of horse you glamor up to preform circus tricks. I don't know, you be the judge.

I'm a big fan of Ray J in both his amateur porno career as well as his singing career. However I still can't understand why he continuously dates Whitney Houston. Ewe!

My grandmother always told me Jesus would return to Earth one day. I can't believe it, she was right!

Seems like the Internet won't let the RickRichard Ross rumors go.

Final Thought: I understand the gym isn't for everybody, but what I don't understand is why do people include "walking" as a alternative for exercise? I've been saying it for a while and I'm going to say it again....WALKING ISN'T EXERCISE. You're suppose to walk, that's why you have legs! If you think walking is exercise then you are either extremely overweight, or on the verge of being overweight if you don't change your attitude. It's no coincident that 9 out of 10 people who use walking as an exercise haven't had extensive results. If you're under 40 and one of these people you should be ashamed of your self. If you want to burn calories do what I do - and run a couple of miles. It won't hurt, trust me.

Remember if Halle Berry can run while being 8 months preggers, then you have no excuse.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I'm Not Arrogant, I'm Privately Challenged

Today I was watching an episode of Dr. Phil that focused on men and their egos. The program immediately had my attention because I have an enormous ego that's usually equally divided between pride and arrogance. While watching the episode a guest on the show made a good point about egos. He said "egos are judged by one's accomplishments, focus, and self drive." It took me years to come to terms with my ego - at times I've been in denial. I use to feel disrespected when my peers would point out how noticeable my ego appeared. Now that hell has frozen over it's totally opposite and I'm more comfortable with my outlandish opinionated comments, unprovoked physical gestures, and even my cavalier nonchalant attitude. However what annoys me the most is when people get arrogance (ego), and the term "conceited" confused. For some awkward reason most people don't take the time to define "conceited" so let me be the professor momentarily....
Conceited - having an excessively favorable opinion of one's appearance, etc.
...Now this may be hard to believe, but I've never expressed myself as being physically superior by any means. I think guys who come off to be too concerned about their looks are either metro sexual, or some other form of sexual that rhymes with uuuuugh.......bomo, como, or romo (if you can't guess that, then please exit this website immediately). So for the rest my life there's no more hiding what's prominent - I rather choose to embrace my ego. I'm sure a lot doors will close because of this decision, however I'm sure the doors that remain open are the doors I'm more comfortable with using (can you say "analogy").

I've been looking for new recipes online to brighten my taste buds. I think I found (donut burger) just what I was looking for.

Although Halloween is a couple of months away, it seems some people are getting a jump on things and purchasing their costumes a tad bit early.

Rap star Rick Ross (real name William Leonard Roberts) credibility has come under attack recently when rumors of his former occupation hit the underground rap blogs. It seems Rick Ross used to be a Miami County Correctional Officer back in 1995 before introducing himself as major Drug Kingpin to the rap world. He denies the rumors, but pictures speak for themselves, you be the judge. Video clip is owned by Heaven on Earth, which is owned by Knowledge Born. Update: RICK ROSS RESPONDS TO THE PICTURE.

...Speaking of Rick Ross. Watch this interview produced and owned by my Uncle KB back in 2002 before Rick Ross had any fame, and seemed to be heavily involved in the street life. It's amazing how times have changed. He's no longer the drug abusing, pistol packing, bald fade wearing bastard he appears to be in the video. All jokes aside, we here at LiT are big Rick Ross fans.

Still on the Barrack Obama bandwagon? I don't think Dr. Martin Luther King would of been.

Final Thought: With the ego I possess, it's definitely a reminder of how strong and undeniably patient my friends are. Dealing with me can sometimes be strenuous I admit. However my friends both female and male seem to be experts at putting up with my flamboyant like personality. I apologize to all of you who think my intentions are anything more than me being me.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

X-Rated Movie Starring Kells Coming To A Theater Near You

Some homeless guy approached me in the parking lot of Walgreens yesterday trying to solicit Porno DVDs. It kinda made me think, whatever happen selling candy - or perhaps a newspaper? When did homeless people get clever and realize there's a whole new market out there? Now it wasn't the solicitation that shocked me, it was the title of the DVD that caught my attention. The title of the DVD the guy was trying to sell me was "There's A Black Man In My Wife's Ass." Wow - that's a hell of marketing pitch. Seems like the porn industry puts a lot into the titles of their DVDs. Some titles are clean, but then there are some titles that are down right stupid. Such as; Strap on Midget, Foot Fuckers, My Granny Is A Trannie, and one of my personal favorite titles - Razor Burn. And for the record, no I didn't purchase the porno. I'm a role model remember?

I recently discovered a Muslim dating service that I find to be hilarious. Not because of the weird profiles, but because of the outrageous photo gallery. Never the less, within the next couple of weeks I plan on changing my religion so I can eligible to date one of these exotic stallions.

I've got a couple of tattoos, but I'm not really pleased with my work thus far. The next couple of tattoos I grab, I want to really catch people's attention. For example there's this Britteny Spears tattoo that I just have to have!

People say I go overboard when advertising my website, but trust me.....things could be a lot worst.

Final Thought: Yesterday my little cousin went joyriding with his 13-14 year old friends. They were busted when the parents of the kid who was driving the car spotted their car was missing. Everyone including me had a long talk with them about how dangerous it is to joy ride especially at such a young age. They could of seriously hurt someone, got arrested, or even worse - HIT MY CAR! As I was preaching to my cousin and one of the other kids.....I could tell everything I said was going in one ear and out the other. This was a constant reminder that I'm in no rush to have kids. Can the church get a Amen!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Kells Bestfriend Fails When Trying To Convince Him Nipple Rings Are A Good Idea

You idiot! You can't click here!

As seen above my the last several days have been anything but normal. My best friend Phil has returned from the Navy for a couple a weeks. It doesn't seem like the responsibility of serving in the military has hindered him from acting a damn fool. We've done everything from visit the Taste of Chicago, to somehow find our selves in Hammond Indiana where we attended a Luau (Hawaii Theme, you idiot) Party. I've barely had any sleep since he's been here, but I expected that. 7 days down, 7 days to go.

Rubber bands are meant to be useful, however this guy is taking it a step further.

I enjoying picking my nose in public just as much as the next disgusting 20 something year old guy, however there are just some things in public you just don't do.

Have you ever felt some people go a tad bit too far with their dance moves? I have!

Sorry about this post, it's neither informative, or really thought provoking. I don't have enough time to rant about hair weaves, and politics today - sorry! I've been very busy lately, and haven't had enough time to update the site as much as I want to. I promise to do much better next week.

Final Thought: My friends and I are tight. Since kids we've managed to grow together. We've never once put a female, money, or personal gain before each other. Sometimes it takes me to argue with one of them to remind me how loyal, and dependent we are of each other. As long as I'm alive they never have to doubt me being there.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Kells Laughs When Muary Povish Asks "Are You Gonna Be In That Child's Life Regardless Of The Results"

The highly controversial Maury Povish television show could soon be canceled soon due to the growing popularity of the Take Home DNA Paternity Test kit by Sorenson Lab. That's right, now there's no need to ask the court to summons a paternity suite on a random guy you accidentally slip and fell on after long night of partying and reckless drinking. Instead a mere $29.99 can determine the child's father within several days. The DNA kit includes a swabs that's used by collecting saliva from the inside cheek of the potential victim father and child. Once the DNA is collected,the kit is to be mailed off to a laboratory in Salt Lake City Utah where the analyzing takes place (additional $129.99 for this process). Results can be mailed or checked online within several business days. Although this product has been around for several years it's been somewhat hard to find. Well don't worry ladies, due to the increase in demand the company (The Sorenson Lab formerly known as American Association of Blood Banks) that develops this product promises to ship to more pharmaceutical stores nationally. Wow, just think about how many relationships this is gonna break up. No more second guessing if "Little Jonny" is yours. A quick trip to your local Walgreens can help solve all those problems. There are many different distrubutors of the DNA Take Home Kit, however Sorenson Lab seems to be the most accurate.

I went to the show the other day to see Zoohan several days ago. The movie actually was pretty funny. Mariah Carey was shockingly good, and Adam Sandler had me cracking up. To be honest I don't like going to the movies much. I hate the fact that I have to sit through something for 2-3 hours wheather I'm enjoying it or not. For example; Will Smith's new movie Hancock looks like a complete joke in my opinion. I would hate to sit 2 hours and swallow yet another scifi movie featuring Will Smith. No thanx, I'll wait for it to come out on HBO.

Last weekend my little cousin TJ turned 3 years old. His birthday party was at a ranch located about 30 minutes outside of Chicago. The kid's enjoyed everything from feeding cows, to riding horses. As for me, I had the whole cowboy look down pact.

Final Thoughts: If you ever find yourself in a position where you have to ask "......hmm I wonder if this child is mine" then consider yourself a fool. A damn fool.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Don't Piss On Me & Tell Me It's Raining....Without Video Taping It Of Course

R. Kelly was acquitted on all 14 counts of child pornography today. The trial was doomed from the start. The prosecution's lead witnesses lacked credibility, the defense had over 6 years to prepare their case, the alleged victim in the tape claimed that wasn't her and refused to testify, and most importantly the video lacked sufficient proof that the man seen in the tape was indeed R. Kelly. The self proclaimed King of R&B walked out the court room with a smile and swagger that not even Michael Jackson after his child molestation trial could imitate.

I remember seeing the sex tape when I was 16 (2002). The tape featured different females in multiple sex scenes that were very graphic to say the least. Everything from the urination scene, to the computer chair scene was enough to taint my mind for years to come. It was apparent one of the females in the video was indeed a minor. Not only were her mannerisms questionable, but at times she appeared to be very uncomfortable - almost as if she didn't want to be there.

Do I think it was R Kelly in the tape? Definitely. Do I think he should be convicted of a crime? No! People have to understand, you can't convict someone when the alleged victim won't even cooperate with the prosecution. If she says that's not her in the tape, then you have to respect her decision as an adult.

Natalie Moore from Chicago Public Radio (WBEZ 91.5 FM) has been doing a great job reporting R. Kelly's trial in vivid detail. Unlike most media reports, she's actually granted access to the courtroom during the entire trial. Over the pass several weeks I've been addicted to her blog. Besides her great journalism, she seems to be pretty down to Earth. In addition to spectating her blog and listening to her daily reports on the radio - I've managed to communicate with her on several key issues about the trial. I told her I think it would be insane if she didn't do a book about the trial. Nothings more exciting than an inside scoop. Thanks Natalie!

I hope this is R. Kelly's last time in a similar situation. Remember this is the same guy that married Aaliyah at the tender age of 16. Kelly has also settled several cases out of court including a settlement in 1998 with someone I know personally who alleged that Kelly had sex with her at the age of 17. The settlement was in the mid 6 figures, and also prohibits this woman from ever mentioning the case again. With a history like this it's amazing he got off scott free. With his personal history aside - R Kelly is one of the greatest musicians of my time. His music is timeless, and I can personally say he performs like no other entertainer. People forget this is the same man that has wrote music for Michael Jackson, Celine Dion, Syleena Johnson, Isley Brothers (Mr. Biggs), and B2KGay just to name a few. Without R. Kelly, R&B just isn't the same. As bittersweet as the jury's decision is, I'm glad he's a free man.

Not only am I behind R. Kelly, but Chicago seems to be behind R. Kelly as well. Within minutes of the jury's decision my phone rang from numerous people all over the city. People were celebrating his freedom as if it were theres. I'm almost positive this weekend if not tonight R. Kelly will be in downtown Chicago partying like it's 1999........as he should. And what better day to celebrate, than Friday the 13th (ooooh the irony).

Final Thoughts: People always say "money isn't everything." Well look at this trial for example. Here is a man that was clearly seen in the tape having sex with an underage girl. However, because of his money and resources he was not only able to prolong the trial for 6 years, but somehow afforded a legal team that could persuade the jury. If that were the average Joe, he'd be convicted and already sentenced years ago. So to bring this to a close, money might not bring happiness.....but it damn sure bought freedom.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Women Wearing Wigs At 20?! Even Lil Kim is Disgusted

There's an epidemic that's been misleading the African American community for quite sometime now. An issue so important to African American males that some African American females have done their best to keep this a secret. What am I talking about? I'm talking about these "Lace Front Wigs" that have taken tackiness to a whole different level plateau. Yes that's right, it seems as if women have thrown away their hair extensions and traded them in for wigs which have become the new front for female insecurities everywhere. I must admit, Lace Front Wigs are a lot harder to recognize because of the strenuous process it takes to install the wig. 1st you must understand a Lace Front Wig is a wig made on a "lace base structure." The hair is hand tied strand by strand and in most cases bleached to give the illusion that the hair is actually growing from the scalp. The wig is attached with "adhesive" and can last anywhere from 3 days to a couple of weeks. It's utterly sad the length that some women will go to make themselves look attractive. If our ancestors knew we'd be gluing (YES GLUING) a wig to our hairlines, they'd probably give up now and continue to pick cotton. It's as we're ashamed of our natural God given looks. Quite sickening if you ask me. Kudos to the women who haven't yet made that horrible transition.

...Speaking of hair, will someone introduce this guy to a good barber.

With the release of Apple's latest edition to the Ipone scheduled for next week, I figured I'd gather a list of 5 of some of the most expensive phones which shockingly doesn't include the Iphone. All information below is done by my personal research and not a subsidiary company.

  • Stealth by Mobiado. This phone's front base is made from aluminum and sapphire crystal. The features include push to talk capability, video camera, and a microSD slot. Retail price: $1,450
  • ZX1 by ASUS & Lamborghini. This phone features a large touch screen, bluetooth technlogy, 3G data support, and a Global Positioning Sytem that is 2nd to none. Retail price: $1,500.
  • Steel by Gresso. This phone features metal used to contruct airplanes, as well as African ebony. The titanium keyboard is laser engraved and features Roman Numerals as labels. The operating system is ran by Windows Mobile 6. Retail price: $3,500.
  • Meridiist by Tag Heuer. This phone features over 430 components, crocodile skin, mp3 player, and monochrome OLED screen on top. Retail price $6,100 (and you thought his watches were expensive.)
  • Vertu Constellation Monogram by Nokia. One of my personal favorites along with Hip-Hop mogals such as Russle Simmons, and Sean Carter. This phone is 100% handcrafted in Europe, with a monogram leather back that's handprinted in a four-hour process! Retail price: $7,000 (good luck finding it).

....As you might have already guessed most of the phones mentioned are quite hard to find. However, if you're willing to spend 15% - 25% more than the retail value, then the Internet is your best friend.

As of today according to the Associated Press Barrack Obama has successfully clinched Democratic presidential nomination. Poor Hillary must now kick rocks.

Finally anyone that knows me knows I'm a die hard Nas fan. I just like to take this time out to say Rest in Peace to his short lived and highly anticipated upcoming album title. We'll miss you NIGGER (no pun intended).

Final Thought: I've been very outspoken about hair weaves in general. So outspoken that people around me are often intimidated to either talk about it, or speak up on behalf of weaves. Now it's not just me, I've had this conversation with many guys before, and trust me we share the same passion. LoL...I don't know, call me old fashion....I just prefer more of a natural look.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Kells Recent Birthday Strikes A Midlife Crisis.....Comparisons to Chris Brown Are No Longer Imaginable

My birthday weekend!


Mark J. Konkol of the Chicago SunTimes wrote a great article on Crandon Davis (old classmate, and neighborhood associate of mine) who was recently shot 4 weeks after 3 of his best friends (see my blog on May 8th, 2008) were shot and killed in a unsolved home invasion. I haven't spoken to Crandon in months but he stays a couple of blocks away from me. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. After reading the article it sounds as if he's afraid for his life. In the next couple of weeks I'm sure I'll bump into him and talk breifly. All I can do is tell him to "be safe." It's hard to give advise on what and what not to do when I'm living my life looking over my shoulder as well. With the way things are going on the southside of Chicago lately, black males are becoming almost extinct.

I turned 22 on May 23rd. Friday my friend Angelo started the festivities by buying 6 bottles of vodka. Not 2......not 4.......6! He obviously has my best interest in mind - being that I like to drink a tad bit (yes that's right, a tiny winy tad bit). I managed to do a couple of my 1st ever body shots, and got lucky enough to have some ladies give me a pole dance I'll never forget. Saturday my uncle threw a barbecue in dedication of Memorial day. The arrogance in me makes me believe it was a celebration of my birthday, either way it was a great time. Sunday just when I thought the birthday celebration was over, we ended up in Aurua IL to celebrate even more! Monday was no different. After a quick trip to Brewyn IL, the fellas and I relaxed indoors and shared memories of growing up. There's so much that I can't recall about the weekend, or refuse to because I'd be in major trouble. I guess the saying "pictures say 1,000 words" best fit this scenario. Thanks to everyone who took part in my birthday weekend. I have plenty of video of the weekend, but I've yet to master the art of editing video, therefore I need another week before I post any of that footage.

I also managed to go to a couple of prom "send offs" in my neighborhood to show support. This one young lady I've known since she was a little girl managed to accompany her pet monkey to prom. Ok ok ok he's not a monkey, but com'on.......if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck.....you get the point.

Have you ever been caught at the crossroads of hunger and passion? Well from the looks of it, this young lady has.

After this man was caught cheating, his wife decided to even the score by hitting him upside the head with an axe! Literally! Damn what ever happened to a quick snip snip of the pubic area. Talk about being creative, these women these days are nuts! I guess that's even more reason not to cheat.

Just in case you're wondering, Dennis Rodman is still being......Dennis Rodman.

Finally, here at Lost in Transition we can never get enough of my best friend Phil's crazy antics in the club. It seems the Navy has tainted his mind a tad bit. Phil we sure hope those aren't hookers. See you in June buddy.

For offline buddies: I've been without a phone for a couple of days (since the night of my birthday). I "spazzed out" and threw my Blackberry out the sunroof while on the expressway. You want details?! Those were the details, word for word. Anyhow I have another Blackberry and the messenger number has changed (32C09131).

Final Thought: Live everyday like it's your last.

Monday, May 19, 2008

US Solider: "After Seeing Gas Prices Here, Iraq doesn't Seem That Bad"

I was talking to my cousin Jermaine today who's back from his deployment in Iraq. Jermaine is the exact same age as me in fact we attended 5th grade -high school together. Before his deployment we lived with each other for 12+ years off and on. Jermaine has been known to chase excitement since we were young. It wasn't unusual for me and him to exchange wrestling moves, or test each other's bravery on the ski slopes (literally). Some people would think he'd stray away from returning to Iraq but it's completely opposite. Without hesitation he told me he was looking forward to returning to Iraq as soon as possible. He claims that "the hardest part is over with now" (whatever that means). I don't think he's gone completely insane I just think he feels it's his obligation to return and fulfill his passion. The average person would consider this bone headed, but then again the average person wouldn't think twice about fighting in Iraq. After seeing him return briefly today it made me see him in a different light, and more importantly it made me really proud of him.

The creators of Family Guy are creating a black spin off called The Clevand Show! I truly can't wait! Anybody that doesn't like or understand Family Guy either doesn't have a pulse or the mind capacity to digest the comedic satire in the show.

I had so much more to talk about but as always I'm getting a little side tracked.....

Final Thought: My cellphone has rang about 40 times since I've started this post. A couple of different callers but mainly the same person. It's amazing how someone will continually call you after you're clearly not answering their call. You would think that a little thing called "dignity" would kick in then the person would get the clue, but unfortunately that seems a little far fetched. I've said in the past that I think cell phones have damaged us and deprived us of our social innocence. Not so long ago when you went to the grocery story if someone wanted to contact you they had to call your home phone, if you weren't there they had to wait till you returned. Not anymore! Now EVERYone can be contacted in matter of seconds no matter where they are. And whenever the person on the other end of the phone doesn't answer it's considered rude. And don't even get me started on voice mails. What's with people leaving unnecessary voice mails reminding you to call them? Ummm helllo! That's what my call log is for. To separate the bullshit calls from the important ones. It's quite repetitious when you check your voicemail, there's 6 new messages and not one of them is relevant to anything important. I can comfortably say in the last year I've left less than 12 voicemails. Yep that's right.....I average about one voicemail per month. Most of my voicemails are reminders of important events and the occasional acknowledgment of birthdays/holidays. I wish more people were like me. I'm such a role model.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Sex Registry Forbids Kells To Enter School Zone, He Rebels

I just returned from visiting my sister's private school where the students of her class did a presentation on the Colonial Period (1700s). Every student was assigned a different work station where they explained what their duties would of been in the Colonial period. Some of my favorite stations included the bakery, the bar, and the classroom station. Ironically my sister was the teacher of the classroom station. She was very mean, very articulate, and taught chapters from the Bible just as teachers would of did in the Colonial period. One of the students continued to make outburst in the classroom, and was sent to the corner of the classroom where he was told to face the wall while wearing a sign that read "idle boy." It was definitely eye opening to see my little sister take part in disciplining someone that was 4 times her age. All in all I had a good time.

...Speaking of good time there was some little girl playing in the classroom pond that caught my eye. While talking to her she kept trying persuade me to touch the classroom turtle. There was no way that was gonna happen, especially after the turtle tried to bite her several times. Kids are crazy! Below is some video of my experience with her.


Joshua Packwood recently made history when he became the 1st white valedictorian to graduate from Morehouse College. "A large majority of my friends, like all my girlfriends have been minorities," says Packwood. "So it was kind of strange that I always kind of gravitated to the black community." Unfortunately for Packwood the road to making history wasn't easy. According to Packwood many of his classmates didn't agree of him attending the all black male school for reasons unknown. However it didn't slow him down once, and on May 18th he'll be given his degree. Congratulations.

...Wow that's amazing, a white valedictorian of an all black school? Just imagine how his baby is gonna look.

I'm looking for a new dog as a pet, my options are slim because I don't have a lot of time to walk the dog. I found this Pomeranian that's adorable.

I understand it's prom season. Yes that's right, it's the season of disaster.

Ladies once again, less is more! Stop begging for attention.

Final Thought: The main reason I'm so diverse is because I've had to adapt to several different social settings for every school I've attended since I was 4. Unlike most people I've attended 3 different school settings. What do I mean? Well for example....I started out in private school (5% black), went to public school (90% black), and even attended Catholic school (100% male). With that said I was force to make several transitions that would adapt to the behavior of students in all 3 school settings. In private school I learned how to adapt to people of different ethnic and social statuses. I was easily the poorest kid in my class, let alone school. I remember attending childhood parties and being in total disbelief because the kids rooms were the size of me and my mother's 2 bedroom apartment. When I got to public school I learned survival. Kids were cruel, gang affiliated, and did mischievous things I never thought about prior to public school. Catholic school taught me discipline. If I acted up, I could be physically punished as well as sent to the lunch room to cook for fellow classmates. Anyone with a similar experience knows those 3 settings are NOTHING alike. It's definitely something you would have to experience to know anything about. Looking back at it I really appreciate those experiences now - it's now a strong reflection of my personality and how I can adapt to different environments when socially tested.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Gone But Not Forgotten...Those Hooters Wings Were Great

Grieving can be a tough process. The thought of someone that was close to you, or someone you've once affiliated with being gone is comparable to mind torture. In the past 2 weeks I've had my taste of mind torture. 4 African American males, all in their young 20s, all ironically unsolved murders. The truth is I told my self I wouldn't make another one of these whining posts about the violence in Chicago. However this is the best way I express my self...not through tears but endlessly reminiscing about the good times. Everyone deals with death differently, as for me I'm a constant thinker. The memories of Reggie and I walking to grammar school together, or listening to his stereo in his room will always linger. The memories of Don P and I getting into a verbal confrontation last Halloween (2006), only to later reconcile through mutual friends still remain clear. The memories of me growing up watching Scales flaunt pretty women and fancy cars around the neighborhood - wishing one day that could be me are still here. The memories of Bookie giving me advice at the health club several weeks ago make it hard to forget. As life moves on and memories fade - it's a constant reminder that tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. Rest in peace.

Moving on, want to make $17,000 in 90 days without the hassle of doing anything? Well Houston's based NASA is currently offering $17,000 to anyone willing to take part of their "Bed-Rest Experiment." The experiment is done to study the volunteer's circulatory systems, nervous system, muscles, and nutrition. Imagine not leaving your bed for 90 days while scientist study your every move. Sounds fun right?! According to the official website...

"participants will spend 90 days lying in bed, (except for limited times for specific tests) with their body slightly tilted downward (head down, feet up). Every day, they will be awake for 16 hours and lights out (asleep) for 8 hours."

...Well I'm not sure if it's worth the self pity but I'm going to go ahead and put in my application anyways. I can get use to this whole human Genny Pig thing, maybe this is "my calling." My mom always said I'd make history.

I'm not big on social networking sites, in fact I kind of hate em. However I stumbled on a new social networking site that caught my eye and I instantly became a member. The CEO of Monster.com has recently decided to make a website dedicated to memorials for people who have been deceased. The website is entitled Tributes.com. Anyone from celebrities, family, and pets can be added on to the website. Within the next 5 years I think this site will revolutionized how people grieve and share memories of those who have passed on. All memories of the deceased can be uploaded to a Tributes.com account such as videos, pictures, and comments. The CEO of Tributes.com plans to start selling it's services to funeral homes, which will ultimately replace obituaries.

Sometimes police officers are put in awkward positions that even they can't seem to figure out.

If you haven't figured it out by now, this post has nothing to do with Hooters. I'm sorry, I just love Hooters....and yes, I do go there for the wings. It has nothing to do with the big chested, half dressed, 20 something year old, amazingly perky, and sometimes exotic women that work there. I in fact have standards, very high standards that I just can't seem to remember as of now. Now excuse me while I go reheat these dry mediocre....I mean these great wings from earlier.

...When I'm not at Hooters, you can catch me mingling at either my favorite bar or some random destination in downtown Chicago.

Final Thoughts: I've attended more funerals in 2008 than all the funerals in my entire lifetime added together. Between my grandmother passing, and friends as well as associates - it's really opened my eyes. I hope the rest of 2008 is a tad bit more kinder to me.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Thugs Find A New Innovative Way To Decorate Unmarked Police Squad Cars

A Chicago Police Officer, that's a friend of mine recently sent me this picture she took while on patrol. In my opinion this picture basically sums up the violence in my city as of lately. It looks as if this police squad car was shot with a fully automatic weapon, possibly an AK-47. AK-47s are quite popular on the south side of Chicago. Just 2 years ago there were several separate incidents where young kids were accidentally killed by shots from rival gangs using AK-47s. I always felt that AK-47s were a bit "overkill." I mean seriously, these are the same weapons used in Iraq. Why in the hell would you need an AK-47 ever, let along outside of a war scenario? Wow talk about amazing. It's getting so bad that Chicago's violent shootings have recently received national media coverage. Instead of the national media covering Chicago's 2016 Olympic bid, the media has to focus on the dozens and dozens of shootings this past weekend such as.....
  • About 7 p.m. Friday, Marcus Hendricks, 34, was fatally shot in the abdomen at 714 West 115th St. and pronounced dead at Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn at 8 p.m.
  • About 9:30 p.m. Friday, two 18-year-old men were fatally shot at 7555 South. Phillips Ave. Killed were Melvin Thomas and Rhonell Savala. One of the men suffered a gunshot wound to the chest and back and the other was shot in the neck.
  • About 10:50 p.m. Friday, Ricardo Sanchez, 65, was found fatally shot outside his home after an attempted robbery. He was pronounced dead at Advocate Christ Medical Center at 12:47 a.m. Saturday.
  • About 5:50 a.m. Saturday, Michael Giles, 26, was fatally shot in his home. He was pronounced dead at 6:50 a.m. at Mount Sinai Hospital.
  • About 11:20 a.m. Saturday, Raul Lemus, 28, was fatally shot in the abdomen in an apparent gang-related shooting at an auto body shop at 2520 West 59th St. He was pronounced dead at John Stroger Hospital of Cook County at 4:16 a.m. Sunday.
  • Late Sunday, Angel Ramirez, 26, and four other people were shot in a gang-related drive-by shooting on the 2800 block of West 21st St. Ramirez was later pronounced dead at Mount Sinai Hospital.
  • At about 12:30 a.m. Monday, Edward Black, 25, died after a gunman shot him in the chest as he stood with a friend in the 800 block of South Karlov.

...These were only several of the homicides this past weekend. How about the multiple homicide that took place last week that still leaves many questions to be answered? Like the mysterious case of.....

  • Anthony Scales Jr. (whom I knew of personally), Donovan Richardson (whom I knew of personally), Whitney Flowers and Reginald Walker (whom I knew of personally) all 5 found shot and killed in a south side apartment. All victims were in their early 20s, not one exceeding 27. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize robbery was the motive. However police have no leads.

In my opinion if the city doesn't clean up it's act there's no way possible the Olympic Commission is going to put it's trust in bringing the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. I had a conversation with an elderly woman today from my neighborhood. She asked "why are people your age so unnecessarily violent?" I couldn't even respond, not because I didn't have an answer - I just felt like she was so out of touch with reality that it wasn't worth my effort. There's obviously a big generational gap between people 18-25, and people 35+. It seems that people in my generation simply don't have any value on life. Even a simple trip to the movie theaters in my environment isn't the same as it was 20-30 years ago. It seems everywhere you go, you are put at risk for potential violence. What's sad is in most cases it's completely random with no motive. My friends and I have seen many people get beaten, shot, or even worst. It's becoming so bad that we've naturally become immune to violence. Hearing gun shots is no longer a "panic mode", it's almost a natural reaction for cover. Now I'm no saint, I my self was a slight product of my environment. However unlike many of my peers I matured and realized the grass is greener on the other side. There's no better wake up call than studying a 30 year old thug with no sense of direction.

....Anyhow some people say I'm over reacting. After all, the violence here could get a lot worst.

Moving on to less serious topics. Late last month I reported a drug deal spotted on the south side of Chicago via Google's Street View Camera. In the pictures taken by Google it shows a major drug transaction with a lot of money on one end and some possible cocaine on the other end. 2 days after I posted the link Google decided to remove the pictures from their servers. Well, I've managed to dig up 2 of the pictures. It's not much but it's worth taking a look. If anybody knows this guy please tell him next time he might wanna check his surroundings before making his next drug deal. The big Google car with the camera probably isn't a good idea to sell drugs around. If you're an idiot and have no idea what Google Street View is then please click here and read the article entitled "Practice Safe Lunch, Use A Condiment."

Although I know a lot of females tend to get bored with their look and want a style change, trust me it's not always a good idea. Learn from this young lady's mistakes - sometimes being Plain Jane isn't a bad idea. Can we say "tragic?!"

There's nothing wrong with having weird sexual fantasies, all I ask is that you keep them to your self.

Lastly, I'd just like to give a shout out to my cousin in Africa who manages to keep up with the latest trends known to man.

Final Thought: Everyone knows this website features a lot of comedic satire. However at the same time I like to make people aware of how I feel on a more serious level. Just because I'm a cynical asshole at times doesn't mean I don't have a guilty conscience that reeks with politically correct ideas as well questionable solutions. If you were looking for a meaningless rant about why gas prices are soaring to unbelievable prices then you've come to the wrong place.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Another Chicago Murder, Rest in Peace Michael Phipps

This past Saturday, an old classmate and mutual friend of mine was killed. Michael Pitts also known as "Bookie" was fatally shot on the south side of Chicago. Just a couple of weeks ago Bookie approached me while I was working out at the local gym, I hadn't spoken to Bookie in several years. I was surprised at his appearance, and how his personality had evolved since the last time we spoke. The once chunky, arrogant, and self proclaimed "Number One Stunner" had made a remarkable transition to a muscle toned fit, humble, and unquestionably charismatic young man.

I remember when I met Bookie in the summer of 2001 - he was 17, I was 14. Me and him were classmates in summer school (CVS high school). He always kept to him self, and never really spoke to anyone unless he was spoken to. Weeks into summer school Bookie and I realized we would be attending the same high school during the fall (Kenwood Academy). From there on out we became good friends. He always told me in summer school he would take care of me (like a big brother) when I attended his high school in the fall. Unfortunately that friendship ended abruptly because we hung out with two separate groups of people. See Bookie was a private person. He kept a tight group of friends, many of whom didn't attend our high school. He flossed luxury cars, lavish jewelry, and kept a clean look. As for me, it was completely different. I found my self hanging with dozens of guys; many of whom looked up to Bookie, despised Bookie, or were even RELATED to Bookie. I remember the 1st time he spotted me with this same clique of guys in high school. He had a face of disappointment, however he never verbally said anything to me about it - he just made it very apparent that he didn't want anything to do with me. For the remainder of high school Bookie and I would speak casually but never to the full extent of what I expected when I first met him. After he graduated from high school I would always somehow see Bookie around the neighborhood because many of his cousins were great friends of mine. Looking back at it he always gave me the same look of disappointment when he seen me with certain people through out the years. I must admit he was right; these were the same group of guys that went on to serve Federal Prison time, get killed, or fall victims to street life, etc.

....To get back to the last time I seen him (2 weeks ago), it wasn't one of those quick conversations that you have with just any old pal. It was two young men who had made major transitions in life, and appreciated to see one another healthy and in a peaceful state of mind. The "look of disappointment" that he once had for me now turned into a "look of approval." I could see he was naturally happy to see me doing well, and that I hadn't fallen victim to any senseless activity that many of my old high school friends had. He and I talked about me moving to the west coast, mutual friends, and future plans for us to hang out. Looking back it - it was a very meaningful and therapeutic now that he's gone. It hurts that the last time I'll ever see him alive was possibly one of the best times I've had with him since we met. It's crazy how life works huh? Source

If you knew Bookie, please share any memories you had of him.

Final Thought: Chicago has been a war zone the past several weeks. Just within the past 8 days there have been 44 people shot! Everyone wants to blame it on the economy, drugs, and guns...however none of those 3 groups kill people........people kill people, point blank.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

It Seems A Kick In The Stomach Just Doesn't Do The Trick Anymore

I was recently discussing abortion, and as always I figured it'd be a great idea to do some research and possibly learn something in the process. According to the Centers for Disease Control the ratio of abortions for White Women is 167 per 1,000 births, Hispanic Women is 233 per 1,000 births, and for Black Women a whopping 503 per 1,000 births (that' not a misprint). Wow...now usually here's where I'd make a comical comment or state my own personal stereotypical analysis, but for once I'll let the statistics speak for them self. If you're annoyed by the statistics, or you think it's a completely inappropriate thing to discuss....then you've probably had an abortion. Now I'm not here to judge, I'm just stating the facts. If you don't like em, then kick rocks. Source

Ohio State Trooper Craig Franklin thought it would be funny to send pictures of him in his uniform pretending to be a member of the Ku Klux Klan. The pictures somehow were anonymously sent to the Administrative Unit of his department. When asked about the pictures, Craig said it was just a joke that he picked up from a Dave Chappelle skit.

Meet Shawn; he's a 22 year old aspiring fashion designer who enjoys watching America's Next Top Model, eating bananas, and cruising around in his cherry red Honda Civic. Shawn prides himself on being able to arch his eyebrows in his very own personal unique design. This has been Lost In Transition's faggotry moment of the month.

It's probably not a good idea to park your car anywhere without reading signs posted. Especially when it's garbage day.

Everyone knows I'm not a big fan of bacon, but I'm sure that could change with a bit of persuasion.

Rising fuel cost may lead me to make alternative decisions for getting around the city this summer.

There's nothing more I enjoy about a woman than natural hair.

Last but least, can someone please tell Steve Harvey to keep his clothes on.

Final Thought: In all seriousiness abortion is a fragile topic. However, it's always fun to bring light to a sensitive topic. Especially when it's not at your expense.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Background Investigation Reveals Kells Past Girlfriend Was Indeed A Hooker

I'm baaaaack. Sorry I had to shut down the site for a while. If you've ever been through a Federal Background check then you know why I took the precautions I did. The past several weeks I've met with a BI (background investigator) contracted by a Federal Law Enforcement Agency to discuss my life in it's entirety. From questionable decision making in high school, to alcohol consumption - nothing was off limits. If you thought that was bad enough, then imagine some strange man knocking on your door to ask you questions about me, and my personal lifestyle. Yep that's right - my BI interviewed several of my friends, current coworkers, previous coworkers, and even random neighbors. All interviews took place at either their homes, or place of work. Below is a brief list of the interviews done by my BI.
  • Angelo
  • Anicia
  • Anne
  • Ron**
  • P. Maduerer*
  • C. Crump*
  • P. Bowens Senior*
  • L. Bowens**
  • T. Koroski**
  • T. Bryne
  • N. Perez
  • T. Romayne

* = current police officer
** = retired (30+ years) police officer

I'm sure I missed at least half a dozen names, but it's not intentional - it's only because several interviews were done at complete random, and I'm not even aware about. For example; several days ago my neighbors approached me while I was walking to my car. They told me my BI came to their house. I was shocked, and kinda embarrassed. Not because he interviewed them, but because he popped up randomly and caught them off guard. Like I said, there aren't any limits to this investigation. By the time you're reading this, my BI will have submitted his report to an adjudicator for a final determination. I'm keeping my fingers crossed because I've never wanted something so bad. This entire process has been mentally and physically draining. I've compromised a lot, and dedicated tons of time to see to it that I've completed every step thus far. If you wish to know how far along I'm in the process, then click here. If you were interviewed by my BI, please post a BRIEF summary of your interview under the comments.

Lately I've been paying a lot of attention to Hillary Clinton and her party like antics. It seems Hillary doesn't mind to have a drink or two. Just last night it was reported Hillary was spotted drinking a couple of shots of Crown Royale followed by a beer as a chaser. What a tough woman....whatever happen to the casual Apple Martini followed by a glass of Red Wine? Oh wait, that's my sister's mom's choice of beverage. Nevermind.

I've been looking for a change in my look. Something flamboyant, something a tad bit more dynamic. What do you think? Enough to make your eyeballs pop out the socket huh?

....Speaking of a hairstyle change, it looks like R. Kelly beat me to it.

Here in Chicago, the weather is beginning to heat up. Like always, the fashion trends change. Unfortunately some people just can't adjust. For example; a laced vest with the back out is meant to do just that.....HAVE THE BACK OUT!

Don't you get tired of barking bitches?

Final Thought: Again, I just want to say thank you to everyone interviewed by my BI. I would pay you to show my appreciation, but that would leave me with nothing. Instead I'll use this as another senseless opportunity to go out and get completely trashed. You guys are welcome to accompany me....just bring your own cash.